Watch: Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet Split Because ‘People Change and Goals Change’
Many Hollywood weddings are over in the time it takes to post an Insta snap. But actors Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet made it last 16 years, before calling it quits this month.
According to people magazine, they simply “separated”.
In a statement last week, the ex-couple recalled the famous “conscious uncoupling” of Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.
Via her Instagram post to fans, Momoa wrote, “We have all felt the pressure and the changes of these transformative times.
“A revolution is unfolding, and our family is (sic) no exception… feeling and growing from the seismic shifts that are happening.
“And so, we share our family news – that we are separating in marriage.
“We’re sharing this not because we think it’s newsworthy, but so that in our lives we can do it with dignity and honesty.
“The love between us continues, evolving in the way it wishes to be known and experienced.
“We free ourselves to be what we learn to become.”
They are parents of two children, and according to the source who spoke with People, Bonet did not want to join her husband when he moved away from their Los Angeles home for film jobs as his career took off.
“They drifted apart due to their different goals. A few years ago, Jason was struggling to find work.
“Now his career is booming and he wants to keep working as hard as he can.
“For Lisa and Jason’s wedding, being apart was a disaster.” the source added, hinting that the couple had been leading largely separate lives for some time.
“They were a great couple with a lot of love and respect for each other, but people change and goals change and they weren’t the same together.”
With no one else involved, it looks like the once-solid couple have simply gone their separate ways – but what does that really mean? And if you suspect this is happening to your own relationship, can you “build it together”?
“Once the dust settles on the thrill of a relationship and you settle down to living and being with each other, it’s not uncommon for couples to head in different directions,” says Andy Coley, neurolinguistic programming therapist.
“Whether it’s a few months, a few years or even 30 years from now, that’s something I’ve seen in my coaching and training work. A lot comes down to communication, if something isn’t working and you you hang on to it and don’t share, it can make couples drift.
“Other times, a lack of shared goals and objectives as a couple means that each is working on their own goals, which can lead in different directions.”
The simplest solution is the best, he suggests. “I believe talking will make you grow together, whether you want to strive for something else or if you’re unhappy and want to change.
“If they want to support you, they will enable the change. If they don’t, or if they feel threatened by it, their behaviors will show that too. At the end of the day, sometimes people are with us for chapters of our lives, but that doesn’t mean we have to carry them with us forever,” says Coley, who himself went through a breakup in his mid-30s.
“Letting go of the relationship where we separated and eventually became two acquaintances sharing the same roof was ultimately the best thing I’ve ever done.”
Breaking up is very often due to a lack of communication, agrees Becki Sams, a mindful communication trainer “often in terms of not knowing how to communicate how we feel, what we need and asking for what we want from our partner,” she explains.
“Once the honeymoon phase is over, communication skills are essential to help us feel close, connected and intimate. What often happens, for example, is that we expect the other nobody just ‘knows’ what we want and gives it to us without us having to ask.
“We may have unhealthy boundaries and don’t know how to tell them what we need (e.g. getting lively instead of saying, ‘I need space when I get home from work before I can have a conversation with you”). Maybe we judge them or criticize them instead of asking for specific things they could do to make our lives more amazing – like telling them they never listen, rather than asking them to be with us and not interrupting them when we tell them about our day.”
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Again, she thinks it’s possible to ‘re-grow’ – but to do that you have to ‘learn to identify your own feelings and speak in that language, identify your needs and the strategies you might use to meet them. , and ask for what you want in a way that respects your needs as well as those of the other.
“Also, simple listening skills such as being present, not interrupting, and mirroring what you’ve heard can go a long way,” adds Sams.
Sometimes, however, just talking isn’t enough, as you change and reprioritize at different speeds, says Relate-trained therapist Rhian Kivits.
“A couple can go through the phases of their lives and careers at different paces. As each partner grows, their core values and priorities can shift and change and even though they may have already felt aligned, it may have led them in different directions,” she explains.
Life events may have thrown you on different paths – “for example, partners may have adjusted in their own way to having children, and that may have revealed differences rather than bringing them together.
“As each partner reflects on their future aspirations, they may realize that they no longer share the same desires and vision.”
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As for Bonet and Momoa, she adds, “the media reported that Jason’s meteoric career had separated the couple. At the start of their relationship, Jason didn’t earn as much, he didn’t travel much for work. and was ‘t in the limelight.
“Lisa seems to be more of a private person than Jason these days. Perhaps she struggled with the impact of seeing her husband less as he traveled and focused on developing his career.
“Perhaps she sensed a chasm growing between them and it became apparent that none of the partners’ needs were being met.
“Jason’s success may have made a difference in the aspirations of this couple. Their time together may have been impacted and they finally realized they had come to a place where they wanted different things and where the compatibility was no longer evident.”
They can still be trade-offs for many couples, adds Kivits.
“It can be helpful to get help from a professional therapist. In therapy, couples can be gently reminded to focus on the underlying love they have for each other, to consider the broader impact of their choices on their children and families and encouraged to consider the commitments they made early in their relationship,” she says.
“But they will also be encouraged to be honest about how they’ve changed and what that means for the future.
“No matter the outcome, what is important is that they are clear on their options and explore what is possible.”
To help you rebuild yourselves together, she suggests,
1 Try to establish if you have common ground and common aspirations and focus on these.
2 Look for new common interests and activities that inspire you both.
3 Identify how you are changing and make an effort to fall in love with each other’s new versions.
4 Be flexible with each other – keep communicating, change your expectations of each other and the relationship, as it helps to recognize that things don’t have to stay the same for it to work.
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